So I kind of forgot that I had this... But now that I've rediscovered it, I think I'm going to put it to better use than I have in the past. (Note: Names are omitted to avoid slander/libel/defamation... Except for the corporation, because no matter what Citizens United claims, corporations are not people) the following posts are from last week, when I went through the painful process of finding out that the guy I dated earlier this year is not as put together as he appeared to be, and this started showing as the result of a phone conversation.
Tonight I give myself to the tears and sadness that come from this realization. Tomorrow I will put into place what needs to happen in order to preserve myself and my life, and in its place I let go of a relationship that had its time and place, but those lines were blurred and as a result events have spiraled and need to be redirected.
This may sound weird, but I feel betrayed by his invitation as I look at it in hindsight. I was duped into thinking I was going to support a friend. I did not realize this "graduation ceremony" was also a recruitment meeting for the next generation of the Landmark forum, and that the person I thought I could trust would instead push me to sign up for something that I have no way of paying for and no intention of going to, especially after the past couple of times I have spent with ***. The things he has said have been similar to those who would make it sound like years of abuse were something I asked for and brought upon myself, and I know that to not be true. The fact that he decided to stop taking his ADD medications scares me. The fact that he forgot everything from his driver's license to his credit cards last night (especially with the way he was driving) shows that he needs something to help him stay focused. Hopefully he can find it. I, however, can not support him in these endeavors. Especially not after the way he treated me once we were in private after I made it clear that I was not comfortable with him driving back, and he said some harsh things about me only being allowed to call him on his words, not his actions. That doesn't fly with me. I've always believed that actions speak louder than words, and both of his were not very nice.
It's time for the hard truth. I was using him for sex. I had no real connection to him, and I could feel that during the first date. I was and am uncomfortable with him referring to me as his best friend, because I do not see how I am that. I've only known him for a few months, and I still do not know much about him or always feel comfortable sharing things with him. I do not consider him to be one of my "best friends", and if commpletely honest, I do not love him.
Soul-searching is a wonderful tool to help figure out what is bothering me and the best way to work with that problem so it has a healthy outcome. Unfortunately the outcome that will result from this soul-searching is the end of what had the chance to be a good friendship because I cannot support this person in his ventures. I admire the fact that he wants to find a way outside of medications to deal with and control his ADD, but I question his methods and the fact that he openly admitted that the only time he was taking his meds was when he noticed he was nodding off right before he was going to start driving, and then he would take a pill. Call me crazy, but that doesn't sound right.
Another positive result of the experience is that I am proactively learning how to set boundaries in my life so I don't get trampled over every little thing. Granted, this will take time, but I know that I can do it, and I won't just let it fall by the wayside.
Anyway, I should go find food now. Hopefully now that I've rediscovered my blog, I can use it more often.
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