The right thing?

Yes, I know, I've been procrastinating on this, but sometimes it's hard to sit down and objectively think about the past when all you want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry your eyes out.

I found out--the hard way, of course--that my ex was lying to me from day 1, basically.  He already *had* a girlfriend when he started flirting with me, and instead of mentioning that he was taken, he instead decided to keep it a secret and try dating two girls at once.  Suffice it to say that I was the "other woman" for 16 months.  Hell, he lied to me when we broke up, because I asked him if there was someone else, and he looked me _in the eyes_ and said "No."  And when the actual girlfriend found out that he and I had been dating and confronted him about it (yay dance crowd gossip!!), he tried to deny it and say that I was delusional/crazy, he and I were only friends, and nothing happened between us.  Of course, he also blocked me on Facebook so he could make his relationship with her public, which I found out second hand.... So... One of the girlfriend's friends asked me for proof after I messaged her to ask if she'd tell the girlfriend I was sorry for everything that had happened (because I am sorry. I didn't realize this was what was going on.  If I had known that he was already dating someone before we even met, I wouldn't've gone within a 50 ft. radius of him, because that shit is not cool.  I've already been "the other woman" once, and I barely survived that!), and so I sent back all the emails ever exchanged between my ex and myself.  I put them all into one nice word document that turned out to have 272 (I think.  I'm not going to open the thing and look, because right now I can't take the temptation of reading the emails and crying all over again) pages of correspondence.

So now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.  According to one of my mentors, I owe my ex nothing since he was/is a lying scumbag who was leading on *at least* two women (and who knows how many more), but at the same time I feel horrible that someone else has to also go through the heartbreak over this bastard that I am facing.  Because my heart is breaking all over again... =(

And that's my angsty post for the day.  I need to go refill my water glass, since I'm back to not being able to stomach food again. >.<

Another day, another book.

Though, in this case, I should have read this book a couple years ago.  It's called _He's Just Not That Into You_ by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo.  If I had read this book when one of my friends first recommended it to me my freshman year of college, I think my last relationship would have ended up differently.  Once again, a lot of the excuses I had in that relationship were shot down in this book, and after reading the authors' reasoning for why they felt the way they did, I agreed with them, and felt like kicking myself for making a lot of the excuses that were shot down in the book.They are ultimately correct:  if a guy is honestly into you, then he will move heaven and earth to be with you, and if he's not, then he's not worth your time.  Life's too short to waste it on guys who can't, don't, or won't see your full potential and love you for who you are (See?  I'm learning....).

One of my friends who is a psychology buff sent me a message this morning that gave me a good idea for a future post (but not tonight's, because I'm tired and want to get a good night's sleep.  I don't have to wake up for a class at 0900; I'm sleeping in!!!), and that is analyzing what attracted me to my ex in the first place, what about him I liked, etc., so that I can see if there is an underlying pattern.  But, like I said, that's another post for another day.  I have a party I'm throwing this Saturday, and I need to get my house clean for that... ^^;;

Buenas noches mis amigos!

Sleep cycling... Oops...

One of the bad things about this whole situation is that I have lost my ability to focus on anything *other* than what I can do to help myself get over being dumped.  This means Spanish homework took a major hit for the entire course of 113 (and, since class is only 2 ish weeks long and it started  two weeks ago Wednesday... Yeah... Luckily I have a teacher who is really understanding).  The class is supposed to go on 'til Friday, but apparently it's not going to.  Instead our last day of class is tomorrow/today, 10 August 2011.  I have two major projects due tomorrow morning at 0900, and I have not started on either of them.  This is not a good way to end the term, so I'm falling back on old bad habits, which, in this case, is cycling through a two hour sleeping period and then working for three hours/until I get something sufficiently finished.  This is not going to make for an easy class tomorrow, since I don't function well on little sleep.  Oops...

As I keep telling my friends (who are amazing, because I've never had this sort of support going through something as trying as this breakup), I'm more emotionally stable now than I was this time last week, but I am by no means healed/over this/whatever.  I still miss him a ton, and a huge part of me wants him back... Even though I know that is never going to happen, the damned nugget of hope just won't let up, and that obnoxious little nugget is the cause of a lot of my waterworks--well, that and my habit of connecting people to things and therefore having things remind me of him and how much I miss him and want him back.... ad naseum.  It hurts to keep having to tell your heart no, he was not just bluffing to see how you would react, he did actually dump you; no, he does not want to work on things to see if his feelings for you could change, and nothing you do is going to convince him that he "made a horrible mistake" and come begging for you to forgive him and have things go back to the way they were.  The closet romanticist can really be a pain in the ass when you're trying to be realistic about a situation (And I know of at least one of my friends who would say:  "No, you're not going to have things go back to the way they were, because the way they were sucked.  If he wants you back, then he damn well better acknowledge you!").  I'm working on not crying as much, but I don't always succeed..

Okay, enough procrastination.  Back to work on homework.  Just needed to get that out...

Breakup musings, take 1

Getting dumped sucks majorly.  Getting dumped by a guy who you thought was actually decent (currently ignoring the problems that were present in the relationship.  Anger about those will come later), someone you thought you could happily build a life with, and who dumps you using basically the same thing that another guy you liked said?  (In this case:  "I like you, I think you're a great person, but I don't feel we would ever have that romantic connection needed to take our relationship to the next level"... Or, as translated by my voice teacher:  "Thanks for the fuck, but that's all I wanted.")  That makes you want to curl up in a ball and not go out into the world ever again.  Sadly, being a college student taking summer classes makes that particular wish impossible.  So, instead, I am going to pour out my anger, frustrations, musings, and realizations here on the internet for anyone and everyone to see.  Why? ...  Because I actually want feed back on my self assessments, and writing these things in a journal that will only be read if I share it is too damned time consuming.  And besides, nothing says healing like bashing your ex in the first couple of blog posts and then totally forgetting about him as you move down the line... I think.  I'm still emotionally exhausted from being blindsided by this breakup.

For those of you who have also been recently dumped, I have a book suggestion for you:  _It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken:  The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy_ by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt.  One of my girlfriends suggested the book to me, and I bought it (along with about 5 other self-help books) and read it in one day.  They have really good points, and I have made a pact with myself to keep re-reading the book until some of the points actually stick (Granted, my ex dumped me about 12 days ago after being together for almost 16 months.  I think I'm entitled to a little numbness... But I digress), and they use humor in the book to help give you something to laugh over in a not-so-entertaining situation.

I've done some... okay, *a lot* of self-reflection in the past 12 days.  I keep wondering what I could have done to have not had this happen, and what happened that led to this turn of events in the first place.  Sadly I don't think I'll ever know the latter, and dwelling on the former won't help me grow that much (though it would be a good thing to know to not repeat with a future boyfriend).  I've also realized that being raised on the Disney Princess movies and other movies of that genre did not help how I view relationships.  Thanks to Disney I want the handsome prince to come sweep me off my feet and take me away from the "bad life" into a magical castle filled with happily ever after.  But, at the same time, I want to be the one who slays the dragon--so long as it's not Toothless from _How to Train Your Dragon_--because I don't always trust other people to look out for me.  As I have a habit of saying:  Even my issues have issues.  And the more I look at the way this and other relationships have ended for me in the past, the more I realize that there is something deeper inside me that draws me to these people who do not feel the same way about me as I do about them, and until I can find out what that cause it (going back into therapy!!!), I will remain in this cycle of falling for the guy who does not feel the same way for me, and I will keep having these fantasies that his feelings for me can and will change and that he'll fall totally and completely in love with me and we'll have that storybook life.

Anyway, it's getting close to midnight, and I have class at 0900.  I don't do well with little sleep... ^^;;

Bonne nuit!